Monday, November 29, 2004

Toddlers

I've finally figured toddlers out. Here's the scoop: The Man and I were watching tv late one night (and let me tell you late night tv has killed more of my brain cells than alcohol) and, being the ridiculously lazy slobs that we are, suffered through all the commercials rather than change the channel or, god forbid, talk to each other! Now those of you who stay up watching late-night tv can back me up on this next bit - don't be ashamed, just nod your head along with the rest of the drooling, zombie-eyed masses. There are exactly 4 types of commercials on late at night:

1. ads for "adult" entertainment ("adult" being the euphemism for porn - like we don't all know it's really aimed at 13 year old boys)
2. ads for get-rich-quick schemes
3. ads for lawyers (around here my favorite is "the Texas hammer!" Watch, I'll probably get sued just for quoting his ad)
4. ads for prescription drugs - mostly penis drugs, but there are a few others.

It's this last category that opened my eyes as to what the Hell is going on with toddlers - namely mine. As we watched an ad for a new menopause drug (or rather peri-menipause whatever that is), it dawned on me. Toddlers are menopausal! Let's see... mood swings, check. Sleep disruption, check. Night sweats, check. Emotional roller coaster, CHECK!

Voila! I've figured out toddler behavior! Take that Dr. Brazleton!

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Halloween 04


Halloween 04
Originally uploaded by Chai Goddess.
I've found the picture that's going on the Christmas Cards this year! I think the caption should read something like this...

"Howdy y'all, and Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Pappy and me are celebratin' in style with his special holiday moonshine. Cleetus Jr.'ll be here before you know it (as you can see I'm due any minute) and baby Lurlene is happier than a pig in slop to have another baby brother. Well, gotta go my water just broke!"

Just a side note: flip-flops SUCK! I don't know how people wear them, because in just 3 hours I had a huge blister and was almost willing to go barefoot through Oaklawn just to avoid more pain...

I AM the spawn of satan!

Yep! That's me.

Yesterday I purposely sat in my car and rummaged around in my purse for 10 minutes while someone was waiting for my parking spot. I did it on purpose and I have to admit I got a little thrill fucking with the parking lot vulture in the blue sedan. I'm that evil. In fact, I procrastinated so long that she eventually gave up and found another (crappier) spot.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Pet Peeves

To the guy in the shitty Dodge that cut me off on my way to work yesterday,

Although you made the shrewd decision to purchase the P.O.S. Dodge sedan, you must have some basic knowledge of how to drive or else you wouldn't be driving, right? I mean, most people have a passing acquaintance with the rules of the road and an inkling of an idea of what all the pretty lights and buttons on their dashboard do, don't they? I'm asking because apparently you either

A) purchased a vehicle without turn signals, or
B) are not acquainted with said turn signals and the amazing task they perform

because you NEVER USED THEM THIS MORNING WHEN YOU CUT ME OFF, nor did you use them when you cut off the motorists in the other 2 lanes as you careened around the corner and "merged" into the left lane. I used quotation marks around the word merge because I'm not sure that I can legally (or in any other way) call what you did a merge -- more like a drunk staggering out the door at closing time.

So, just a hint: use your turn signals. They can be hard to spot at first, but please take the time to look for them. And when you do find them, jam them up your ass.

Thanks.

Friday, November 12, 2004

A Name for My Dysfunction!

At last! A suitably scientific-sounding name has been found for the mind-numbing, sould-destroying atmosphere at work: Cumulative Adversity! I feel so validated now.

Here's the link!

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

First Date


First Date
Originally uploaded by Chai Goddess.
This photo was taken months ago but I just like it so much I had to post it. Plus, I'm trying out flickr for photo hosting. Anyway, the cutie on the right is our friend Audrey and the charmer on the left is "The Boy." NOTE: "The Boy" is always capitalized kinda like how you differentiate God from all the other gods- although without all the cool super-powers and legions of worshippers. Well, there are a few worshippers (namely us and the grandparents) and we do fear his wrath so there are some similarities.

(So if you're reading this and the power suddenly goes off you know that the real God has just sent a lightning bolt to silence my heretical rantings.)

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Contents of My Jacket Pockets

3 quarters
1 band-aid
2 (unused) tissues

Note that there are no toddler toys, spit-soaked tissues for cleaning said toddler's face, and no partially chewed flashcards that said toddler tried to dine on this morning. Those things are in my car. So beware all ye who ask for a ride! ...And be sure to check the seat before you sit down!

Monday, November 08, 2004

Recipe for a BAD Weekend

1 Teething Toddler
1 Sick Husband
No milk left in the house

Stir all ingredients until they make a whiny, vomiting mass. Chill. Add Valium or suitable generic tranquilizer with vodka chaser. Stifle Mommy Dearest comparisons. Let sit for 8 hours.

Feel better after talk with friend who has twins. Afterall, at least there's only 1 teething toddler in this recipe.