Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Flogging, so much more appropriate than an HR memo

I abso-fucking-lutely loathe hiring /scheduling / firing staff. So much so that I'm thinking of enrolling in the Montgomery Burns School of Staff Management. It would be so much easier if I had a trap door in my office that I could stuff these lazy-ass SOBs into. Here's a sample conversation I had recently with one of my soon-to-be ex-employees:

(NOTE: CA-H stands for Current Ass-Hat)

ME: "Hi {insert Current Ass-Hat's name}! How was your vacation?"

CA-H: Fine. Umm... I'm really sorry but I can't work on Thursdays.

ME: Umm... well, that's ok. You sent me an e-mail about that last week. I didn't schedule you on Thursdays.

CA-H: Well I have to take a class on Thursday. that's why I can't work.

ME: That's still Ok because I...didn't...schedule...you...for...Thursdays.

CA-H: My class is on Tuesdays.

ME: So you're saying you CAN'T work on TUESDAYS?

CA-H: Yeah, I'm really sorry.

ME: Well, what happened to Thursdays?

CA-H: Oh, I have a class on Thursdays too.

ME: So exactly when CAN you work? (muttering under breath- "stupid ass hat!")

CA-H: Well, Saturdays are ok.

ME: Fine. I'll work it out.

CA-H: I'm so sorry. I have to take this class and it's only offered on Tuesdays, and it's way downtown, and-

ME: Fine. I'll make another schedule. Now go. (teeth grinding, heart rate accelerated, bitch-switch set to "Kill")

A trap-door would have been far too tempting during that conversation.

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