Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Love is in the Air

With Valentine's Day less than a week away my brain starts to get all mushy and I get all sentimental thinking about my sweetie, The Man. I've also been looking through the card section at my local CVS (nothing but the best for my man!) and realizing just how dopey most cards are. Why didn't I get a job writing copy for Hallmark? I 'gots da mad skillz' PLUS most of a graduate degree in English! But I digress.... The card I want for The Man just hasn't been written - and probably won't be. If it were available, it would go something like this:
"You rock! And just for the record if you leave me for some young intern after I've given you the best years of my life then I'll hunt you down, glue your ass cheeks together, and pour depilatory lotion on your privates. That's not going to happen, however, so Happy Valentine's Day sweetie!"
Now that's a card I'd spend $3.95 on!

Seriously, I have been thinking about what it means to find your soulmate - the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with. I used to think it meant finding someone who you were desperately in love with; someone who wrote you poetry. Now that I'm older and presumably wiser I KNOW what makes The Man my soulmate: his ability to quote movie lines.

I don't mean the obvious movie lines like, "I'll be back!" I mean quotes from obscure B-movies that probably only 5 people in the world know well enough to quote (that's me, The Man, and 3 lonely 47 year old men who live with their mothers and eat nothing but hard boiled eggs). That's only part of the attraction, however, the other part is being able to pepper ordinary conversations and e-mails with so many movie lines that you forget what you were originally talking about:

Me: "So, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Man (in his best Conan voice): I want to 'crush your enemies, to see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of the women'."
Me: "ok, then what 'you anally rape my mother while pour sugar in my gastank?'"
The Man: "'As you wish!'"

Now that's love!


2 Comments:

Blogger The Cybrarian said...

Har! My wonderful relationship also hinges on dirty in-jokes. (Hey, it's Chinese new year-- happy Year of the Cock!) But not ass-cheek-gluing threats... yet.

8:38 PM  
Blogger cricket said...

you've definitely gots da mad skillz!! i would buy your card...maybe some freelance work? i see a future in it... :)

and it would be 6...i recognized pretty much all your obscure movie lines... :D

4:22 PM  

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