Monday, February 14, 2005

More Mushy Stuff

Or Why I love The Man, Part II

(attention Christians, members of the Kirk Cameron fan club, and others who who might take this post too seriously: this WILL offend you. I would be highly disappointed if it didn't so be warned.)

So The Man and I watched Left Behindover the weekend - yes, you read that correctly not only did they make a movie of that hideously-written-wouldn't-pass-my-10th-grade-English-class-no-talent-"novel," but they also shrewdly cast KIRK mother-fuckin' CAMERON in the lead role! How awesome is that? The Man and I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to see yet another movie that was made to be serious and thought-provoking yet ended up stinking worse than a broccoli-induced diaper.

Be it known that The Man and I are probably the least religious people on the planet (and we're definitely the least religious in this part of the country) so why were we watching this movie? Well, for one thing it stars Kirk mother-fuckin' Cameron - I mean seriously could YOU turn it down? For another thing, The Man and I have always been drawn to bad movies (as in "stinky bad" or "geez that really sucked donkey dick, didn't it?") such as Starship Troopers, Striptease, Glitter, Honey, Bats, and any made-for-Sci-Fi movie that we happen to flip to after The Boy goes down for the night. So how could we resist adding Left Behind to our Netflix queue?

How bad was it? Well, if you had the same reaction to the book that I did (namely you vomited a little in your mouth every time the authors described 'Captain Rayford Steele's' spiritual agony) then it'll come as no surprise that the movie sucked just as hard - perhaps even moreso than the book. Just picture, if you will, Kirk Cameron as the plucky (but Godless) reporter who unwittingly delivers the world into the hands of the Antichrist. Add to that fact that when he finally does find God it's in the men's room of the UN.

So, the premise (for all my pagan brethren) is that when the world's about to end then all the saved will get taken up to Heaven (aka The Rapture) while the rest of us languish about on Earth for 7 years waiting for the final battle between JC and the Antichrist. I know, I know, there's more to it than that but for the sake of this puny blog I think that's sufficient. Anyway, when the saved get zapped up to heaven they leave everything behind - clothes, jewelry, cell phones, spouses, etc. Well, when this happens in the movie you see all kinds of close-ups of clothes and wedding rings that were left behind and it's supposed to be moving and poignant but to me it was just a reminder that people in movies don't have to wear retainers or girdles or anything else like that. The Man was obviously channeling my thoughts because his response to this was, "So, if you're on your period would your tampon be left behind, too?"

Yep, I LOVE this man and he LOVES me! Which is good because it means that whichever of us gets to Hell first can save the other a seat!


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