Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Small Talk

As you might have guessed I spend a lot of time surfing the internet - I mean A LOT! I also spend a lot of time (probably too much) thinking about my role as a mother. I wonder if I'm doing a good job, what I could be doing differently (read: better), and most of all I think to myself, "who thought it was a good idea to give ME a child?" (Oh, and by the way, whoever it was forgot to include the fucking instructions.) So naturally I was intrigued when my web surfing led me to this blog and the recent post about the mother drive-by phenomenon. Saying it struck a chord with me would be an understatement! Not only have I been a victim of such "drive-bys," but I've also (unwittingly!) given them too. It was never my intention to make other moms feel bad, sometimes I just lose control of my larynx and all sorts of strange words come out. Really. I mean it.

You see I'm terrible at small talk. Eye gouging-ly, stomache heaving-ly bad. I know that and accept it. Just the thought of going to a party where I hardly know anyone is enough to make my insides twist like a truck-stop stripper around a pole. One time when I was at a baby shower for a friend of mine I got stuck between two MILFs that had obviously spent more time on their hair and make-up to go to this shower than I had spent getting ready for my own wedding! Then of course once that thought pops into my head other, even more inappropriate, thoughts follow on its heels: "How long did it take her to get ready?" "Are those REAL?" "I wonder if she thinks the term TROPHY WIFE is pejorative?" "Can she even spell pejorative???" and so on and so forth.... You can see where this leads me conversation-wise. Yep, uncomfortable silence.

Add to that fact that I absolutely despise talking about the weather and you get a recipe for small-talk disaster. Which is probably why I end up sticking my foot in my mouth by spouting inane compliments that sound snarky such as when I was trying to compliment the receptionist at my dentist's office:

Me, looking at photo of her two kids: "Wow, you look way too young to have school-age kids!"
Her: "Yeah. I am." (followed by stony silence in which I'm sure she's putting a note in my dental record to schedule 5 root canals)
Me: *vacant smile* "Oh." ... note to self: shut mouth, open only to drink massive amounts of tequila. How the fuck was I supposed to know she got knocked up at 17!?

I'm an idiot. Don't worry because karma's a bitch. I've been the recipient of more inane / stupid comments than I can list here.


Blogger chrisp said...

"Whoever it was forgot to include the fucking instructions". Ha... get it..? 'Fucking instructions'? As in she needs instructions fucking? Sorry.

2:42 PM  
Blogger chrisp said...

I just finished reading the rest. You have a very nice blog, the kind I like. You seem funny, smart, and with the times, I'm sure you're a great mom. Unlike my mom. I mean, I can't believe you said milf. that's awesome. Also the dentist thing at the end was pretty funny. Keep up the good postings, I will try to check back. Just remember to think before you talk haha.

2:48 PM  

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