Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Is that your crotch I smell, or are you just happy to see me?

OK, let me premise this bizarre post by saying that I am - and have always been - VERY sensitive to odors. The Man can testify to this fact as I have on numerous occasions been alerted to the fact that The Boy has a poopy diaper way before he notices. This can either be a gift or a curse. With my built-in "poop-early-warning-system" (or PEWS) I can discreetly sniff the air and, should I smell something amiss in the diaper, make a hasty retreat leaving The Man with poop-disposal duty. That is truly a gift!

Of course, being super-sensitive to odors has its downside, too. At my job I interact with over 100 different students a day - from various hygienic backgrounds. Some (bless them!) think of showering as a daily ritual, while others (curse their filth!)... don't. Let's just say they view bathing as an optional activity. Unfortunately for me it's usually the unbathed ones who are the close-talkers. These are the students who like to get up close and personal when they talk and have little understanding of personal space. Today, for instance, I had the pleasure of talking to a female student of the latter category. Luckily I hadn't had lunch yet or I might have thrown up and I don't know about your job, but here throwing up on your students can be seen as a career-ending move. Crazy, huh?

Now there's b.o. and there's B.O. This was screaming, eye-watering, sterility-inducing B.O. with a little crotch funk thrown in for good measure. Let me tell you it's hard to keep a blank face with those kind of smells threatening your very existence. Some smells are so strong they start to take on physical shape. (These particular smells morphed into minor demons from the Seventh Circle of Hell.) I managed to keep it together, though. I helped her figure out her class schedule and sent her on her way with a smile. Do I get karma brownie points for this? I certainly hope so because I don't remember reading anything in my job description that mentioned having to put up with crotch funk smell. EWWW. So, gentle reader, if I can teach you anything it's this: WASH YOURSELF. EVERY. DAY. Please don't expose others to your funk. Thank you.


Blogger Hannah Gerber said...

I SO know what your life is like with that nose for I too, have a sensitivity that borders on madness.
You wonder why I dont go to the movies? I once, stupidly went to a summer day matinee to see some overly popular tripe and only seconds after sitting down could smell what i KNEW, what i STILL know to be the scent of sweaty boy balls on the seat......and I was wearing SHORTS!!!!!!!
GD the stinky fucking PUBLIC!

8:54 AM  

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