Thursday, March 03, 2005

More Things That Make You Go "Hmmmm..."

Almost every morning I stop at the local bagel place to get my usual 9-grain bagel smothered in low-fat cream cheese - and if that doesn't scream "YUPPIE SWINE!" I don't know what does - and, as usual, there's this strange man sitting in the corner huddled over his notebook. Why is he strange, you ask? Well, pull up a chair while I recount the many 'weirdnesses' this guy possesses.
Whenever I walk in I see him scribbling in his notebook, head down, eyes glazed over, humming to himself. On the table next to him is a cup of coffee (because, you know, he's not wired enough as it is), a mini-Bible (like the ones they give away outside the mall sometimes), and some notebook paper that he's torn out and crumpled up into little balls. I can only guess that he crumpled them up because they contained some heretical thoughts transmitted to him by one of Satan's minions through the microchip in his brain. If I had to describe him in one word I guess I would say he's "intense." Although that falls a teensy bit short of the hee-bee-jee-bee vibe I get whenever I look over at him. Which might explain why I try to NEVER establish eye contact.

I keep thinking that one day he's going to fly into a rage, hurl his notebook at me, and start screaming in tongues. At least I hope that's all he does, because in the other scenario that runs through my brain he pulls out his AK-47 (while screaming in tongues) and starts spraying the bagel place with bullets. In which case my ass is dead - shot dead in a bagel place by a lunatic whose non-fat latte was too foamy for his liking. Of course, this IS Texas so the odds that another patron of the bagel place is packing heat too are pretty high. In which case my odds of survival increase as long as I stay out of the line of fire.

1 Comments:

Blogger Hannah Gerber said...

'I can only guess that he crumpled them up because they contained some heretical thoughts transmitted to him by one of Satan's minions through the microchip in his brain.'

Who says you cant write ( aside from YOU)??? This shit makes me smile. I'd walk a mile in your shoes any fucking day.

8:41 PM  

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