Friday, April 29, 2005

"Blinded by the Light, Wrapped Up Like a Douche..."

yeah, I know... the lyrics are supposed to be, "wrapped up like a deuce" or some such nonsense. Personally, I think it sounds better (and is SO much more memorable) my way. Of course, "wrapped up like a douche" is so memorable that it blocked out all of the other lyrics to that song. Now if I hear it those are the only words that stick in my head, spinning through the void that used to house my deep and important thoughts.

I was reminded of those same lyrics the other day as I was trying to clean my car.

You see, 3 days ago I spilled about a half-gallon of milk in my car as I was driving my son to daycare. Whatever milk didn't get soaked up as The Man and I frantically blotted the floor with paper towels before we had to rush off to work, was left to simmer all day in the Texas heat. Note: this is a bad, bad, thing. Sour milk turns into the most vile smelling substance known to man. It surpasses baby vomit, brussel-sprout-enhanced diarrhea, and Cousin Zed's body odor as the most deadly aroma ever. EVER. By that evening I wanted to kill myself. I was praying that I didn't get stopped by the police for violating whatever environmental statutes we have left in Texas.

So that night I scrubbed the floorboards of my car with carpet cleaner. That didn't work. Then I tried the "tough" carpet cleaner that said it would take out pet odors and assorted nasty-smelling things - you know the one with the skull and crossbones that has the Poison Control Center number in big red letters? It didn't work either. In fact, I think it just made the sour milk mad. It became incensed that I was trying to obliterate it and fought back with an even more stomache-churning stench.

I left my car windows open all night hoping the smell would dissipate. Or maybe that someone would steal my car and I'd be rid of the devil-stench one way or another. However, much like the Seinfeld episode on the same topic, I had no such luck. My stinky car was still there in the morning. Stink and all.

Finally, I remembered some Hint from Heloise I had read long ago. Vinegar cures everything. If you want to clean your garbage disposal - use vinegar. If you want to clean your carpet - use vinegar! If you want to fight off alien invaders who are trying to enslave humanity - use vinegar! (I'm sure Heloise said that in one of her columns - if she didn't, well, she should have!)

I put some vinegar in a spray bottle with some water and sprayed the crap out of my car. I let it sit in my car over night. Now my car smelled like a douche bag - but at least the sour milk smell was gone! I never thought I'd say this, but I'll take douche bag smell over sour milk any day. 3 days later: the vinegar emerged triumphant!

The sour milk smell was vanquished back to the hell it came from and the vinegar faded away - lifted up to Heaven on little angel wings for its good deed.



Blogger Hannah Gerber said...

Perhaps because of my recent obsession with things anthropomorphic, I could instantly SEE that mad,hand on hips, fumingly irritated sour milk glaring at you......
It's a good cartoonish image, Thanks!

1:12 PM  

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