Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Fart Nostalgia

Long ago, when I was a starving college student, I shared a house with 3 other people. Two of those people were great - I married one and the other ended up being my bridesmaid. The other one, however... well, where do I start?

For one, Pam was extremely uptight and you could tell she resented the fact that she had to share a house with a bunch of college students. She had graduated and was -ostensibly- in the "real" world (as opposed to our drug- and alcohol-induced technicolor dreamland). Yeah, right. She was "really" fucking poor and couldn't afford a one-bedroom apartment in DC.

Pam also did NOT belong in an urban area such as DC as she was terrified she was going to get attacked by the homeless guys panhandling near the subway entrance. She was also convinced that the above-mentioned homeless guys were actually gang members who were conducting illegal drug operations out of their shopping carts. She deduced this by the fact that one of them had red shoe laces - and we all KNOW that red shoe laces are a sure sign of gang membership, right?

Also, we had to hear about her long-distance boyfriend - Carlos. ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. He was from Cuba. He loooooooved her. He worked in New York. He was rich. Blah, blah, blah. I just tuned her out most of the time. It was annoying kind of like a fly that gets caught in the house and flings himself against the windows thousands of times. It became really fucking unbearable, however, when Carlos came to visit for a weekend and ended up staying for 8 (yes, EIGHT!) days because he had the mother-fucking nerve to come down with chicken pox while he was there.

The most annoying things about her though were her noxious farts. She may have acted like her shit didn't stink, but I'm here to tell you she was wrong. So utterly wrong. Yes, I will have my vengeance for all of her inane blatherings about Carlos, and about how she thought the homeless guys in the subway were gang members, and her constant complaints about having to live in a crappy house that was in slightly better condition than the frat house at the end of Animal House. It's never too late for revenge.

I will tell the Internet about how her farts nearly lit the house on fire. How we couldn't venture into the bathroom after she had taken a shit for at least 8 hours. Luckily, we didn't have a gas stove or the combination of the natural gas and the lethal fart-juice ekeing out of butt might have caused an explosion. My other roommate, Staci, said it best when she muttered, "Did the gerbil up her ass finally die of shame and now she's extruding it one gruesome fart at a time?"

Vengeance is mine saith Kim.


Blogger Pops said...

The next time someone tells me bitterness isn't pretty I'm going to refer them directly to this post.

12:34 AM  
Blogger HappyFunBall said...

Hey! I thought I was the only bitter woman you made fun of! Gimme back that sandwich.

11:49 PM  
Blogger CCF said...

Carlos was from Panama, not Cuba. You also failed to mention:

1. She was bug- fuckin' ugly
2. She hit the snooze bar about 223 times each morning.
3. She skipped out on her share of the bills when she moved out.
4. Carlos was there for weeks not days.
5. They were way too loud for ugly people having sex.

12:41 PM  
Blogger SJ said...

Farting AND ugly people having sex. Nice images to shake out of my head this week. Gracias

12:21 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Hi, I found you trolling through technorati links (it's midnight and I can't sleep and that just seemed different...) Thanks for the link and thanks for the fart story, I needed a laugh. See you again! Kim

10:02 PM  

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