Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Movie Review

It's time that I get to what's REALLY important in this blog: Movie Reviews.

Because I strive for triviality and insipidness I won't review "good" movies. Hmmpph! Anyone can do that. I'll only review bad movies. As in "le bad." Really, really, really bad movies. Movies that make you question your very existence while you run around the room tearing your shirt and screaming, "Why God, why!?!?"

Because I am a completely anal-retentive dork I have instituted a number of categories with which to, well, uh...categorize the bad movies. Today's category is: TRILOGIES.

I would start my list with the new Star Wars Trilogy (Phantom Menace, et al) but I'm afraid of George Lucas and his team of attack-lawyers stalking me and slapping me with some ridiculous lawsuit for saying anything mean about his work. So I'll just have to mention it {subliminally}. So if anyone were to Google the phrase {I've farted better movies} or {I can't believe I wasted hours of my life with this donkey-dick-sucking crap} then they might happen to find my blog (or worse) and see said phrase in the same paragraph as the names "George" and "Lucas." By that point if they can't put 2 and 2 together then I can't help them.

Next on the list (or rather "First" because that first paragraph was just an example) is Jurassic Park. The first movie was great. Lawyers getting eaten by dinosaurs! The plot of the second movie (The Lost World), however, had more holes than homecoming week on fraternity row.

I would have loved to have been in the room when the writers were trying to figure out how to make gymnastics a central plot device. I've always thought that there just weren't enough films featuring gymnastics. After Gymkata came out all the gymnasts in the world were probably thinking, "Now's my chance at a lucrative Hollywood career!" Unfortunately, Hollywood let that opportunity go to waste -- until Jurassic Park II! Who would have thought that gymnastics could save you against bloodthirsty velociraptors? (If you're one of the 4 people alive who have actually seen Gymkata then you know that gymnastics will save you from crazy people, but dinosaurs? I don't think so!) I'm sorry, this movie didn't just ask me to suspend disbelief, it bitch-slapped my disbelief until it was nothing more than a terrified, drooling sack of rocks ensconced on the couch consuming large amounts of alcohol in an attempt to dull the pain.

My review of Jurassic Park III will have to wait until tomorrow - off to the dentist now! At least I can console myself with the fact that a visit to the dentist is better than having to watch Jurassic Park II again...


Blogger Pops said...

Come on, you CANNOT talk about gymnastics movies without mentioning the Mitch Gaylord epic American Anthem, where the macho all-American girl-fucking protagonist was played by... a gymnast named Mitch Gaylord.


Plus there was that scene in Footloose where Kevin Bacon's body double inexplicably does some fancy high-bar work. Does that count?

10:34 PM  

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