Thursday, May 12, 2005

The Label Didn't Say Anything About Porcelain-Hugging Diarrhea

Anybody seen these new coffee "pods" by Senseo? They're the latest shit for coffee-chugging, caffeine junkies like me -- and I do mean "shit." I had one cup of espresso-via-pod this morning and since then I haven't wandered 10 feet from my bathroom.

I checked out the FAQs on their website just to see if they included anything about this phenomenon and here's what I found...

What are the differences between the seven coffee varieties? (my interpretations follow each definition)

The Mild Roast is a lightly aromatic blend with a taste that is mild and delicious. -- accompanied by a mild burning sensation in your rectum.

The Medium Roast is more aromatic and rich; and very appropriate for the morning, as it is characterized by a balanced, harmonious and natural taste -- don't schedule any important appointments for the next 6 hours (because you have a date with a hunky block of porcelain that goes by the name of American Standard)

The Dark Roast is robust and full-bodied, yet surprisingly smooth -- yeah, umm... enough said.

The Decaffeinated variety has the same fine taste of Medium Roast, only without the caffeine -- for when your colon needs a little r&r.

The Paris Roast is a simply sweet French vanilla, caramel flavored blend -- "ooh la la mon ami! my ass, she eez on fire!"

The Vienna Roast is a smooth flavored dance of hazelnut, vanilla and mocha -- "Auf Wiedersehen colon!"

The Killarney Roast is an enchanting flavored medley of Irish cream and vanilla -- "That's no Lucky Charm! There's a leprechaun flying out of my butt!"

Oh yeah. The shit just never stops here in Tex-ass.

2 Comments:

Blogger Hannah Gerber said...

Oh for fucks sake, like I need one more thing to feel like an ass-hat about.....now Im to blame for your rectal issues. Damn it all.
If it's of any value whatsoever, I drank three of these little motherfuckers after you left and my sweet pink little puckerhole is just peachy.
I think your ass is trying to tell you something either about driving a butt-ugly Honda or the kissing up /bending over you must be doing to your superiors at work.

Next time I'll make you Chamomile tea, you cranky old woman.

2:11 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

omg!!! I can soooooooooo feel the love!

7:00 AM  

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