Tuesday, May 03, 2005

So Sayest Kim...

And Kim, the mother of one toddler spake these words, saying...

1. In the first year (infancy) thou who hast procreated shalt appreciate the value of birth control --even more so than thou didst during thine hedonistic college days.

2. If thou workest outside the home and useth the services of a babysitter / nanny / daycare thou shalt alternately love and despise said babysitter / nanny / daycare. On days which have a "d" as their third to last letter thou shalt love thy babysitter, whilst on days which end in "y" thou shalt despise her and curse her name.

3. Thou shalt bribe thine child with french fries and other such cholesterol-enriched foodstuffs when thou art weary and heartsick of thine offspring's wailing and lamenting.

4. Seven days and nights shalt thou labor - and then labor some more in thine house of bondage (and not the fun, kinky kind either!)

5. Thou shalt not commit adultery - really, who has the time?

6. Thou shalt raise a might cry and shout, "STUFF IT IN THE HAPPY BOX!" when thine offspring beginneth to whine after thou hast told him he cannot watch Shrek for the 11 billionth time.

7. Thou wilt pour lavish praise upon the head of thine toddler when he learneth to use a fork.

8. Thou wilt pour thyself a drink of the sacramental wine (sacrificial gin and tonic may be substituted) for every day that thou stayest sane.

9. Thou shalt raise Hell with parents of other children who do not respect thine offspring and layeth the smack down on all those who do not bow in awe at thine offspring's beauty and intelligence.

10. Thou shalt have no other offspring for thou art too tired from the first one. "One and done" shall be thy motto to be repeated to the insensitive louts who keep asking, "so when are you going to have another baby?" Thou canst also substitute, "When Hell serves freezy pops!" to the most oustpoken of the lot and thou mayest ask me to smite them.

So it is written, so it shall be done.

(I'll reserve my first-class ticket to Hell now and avoid the rush.)


Blogger HappyFunBall said...

Thou shalt also be worshipped and adored by yon Tater-folk, also knowneth as Happy Fun Ball.

Thou shalt not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Thou shalt realizeth that Happy Fun Ball is laughing WITH, not AT, you.

4:39 PM  
Blogger Pops said...

If I gave you one of my kids, then we'd both have TWO. Wouldn't that be awesome?

11:52 PM  
Blogger kimbabalu said...

HFB: I would never, never, never dream of taunting you. I think Phil Hartman made that mistake and look what happened to him!

Pops: Sure. Then my kid would have someone to share his dank cellar (oops! I mean room!)with and they could grow up to be lovable scamps working cons together and snatching purses. You've already started training your kids about petty thievery, right?

9:17 AM  

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