Friday, July 01, 2005

Macaroni Grill - why go anywhere else?

I mean really, where else can you have so much fun fucking around with the waitstaff? Except for Denny's -but screwing around with the poor waitress working the 11:00 to 7:00 am shift at Denny's is just beyond cruel - doesn't her life suck enough?

What I like about Mac Grill (and I think I've been there often enough that I can go all informal and just call it 'The MG' cuz, you know, we're tight like that. Word.) is that they hire pimply-faced, sub-moronic, junior-college drop-outs and then they try to teach them to write their names upside-down in crayon. How fucking cruel is that?

That's where my friend Jess and I come in. Our own lives have been transformed into snot-covered, germ-tastic suburban wastelands by our children so we feel justified in making other, less-fortunate, people feel even worse about their lives -- and there's nobody around who's less fortunate than the poor trainees at The MG.

A typical visit starts out innocently enough. We get shown to our table by the perky hostess who smells like an extreme fruit salad because she has apparently just plunged herself into a pungent mixture of every product that Bath & Body Works ever made. She informs us that Micah will be our waiter.

Micah is in training. He is wearing the "I'm a Trainee So Feel Free To Fuck With Me" button on his shirt and is followed by a bored-looking senior-waitress, or maybe she's his Dominatrix I'm not sure. She looks ready to yank him back by his nipple clips and give him a good spanking at any moment.

As a good little trainee Micah gives us the opening speech welcoming us to The MG and asks us if we've ever been there before. We say no, of course, just so he can demonstrate his full knowledge of the goods and services offered by his employer -- and please his Mistress at the same time. At the end of the speech he writes his name in crayon on the paper, however he has forgotten the crucial element of writing it upside-down. Mistress is displeased. She chastises him in front of us for his egregious error and he visibly shrinks under her glare. I can almost feel his nipples tingling in anticipation of the sweet torture that awaits him back in the kitchen.

They leave us to look over our menu and Micah returns a few minutes later with our drinks. He asks us if we're ready to order or if we need a few more minutes. Jess and I look at each other and decide that, yes, we are ready to order.

Me: "OK, Micah, first let us introduce ourselves. I'm ...." As I'm talking I start drawing my name on the table like so...
Micah: "Oh, ok. uhh...hi LeKim."

Me: "No, the L is silent. It's just Kim."

Micah: I thought...well, there's an L."

Me: "I think I know how to pronounce my own name. It was my grandmother's name. She died of lung cancer last month and I'm still dealing with it."

Micah (desperately looking around for his Mistress who has slipped out back for a smoke) "umm... ok. Can I take your order?"

Me: "Why don't you start with my friend Jess? She's a deaf mute so she's going to have to write down her order. That's ok, isn't it? I mean you ARE A.D.A. compliant, right? This isn't the 1950s, you know, when the disabled had to hide their disabilities! This is the 21st century!"

Micah: "I think so...yeah, I mean of course. Go ahead."


Here's what she writes:

Me: "Did you get that? And I'll have the Pasta Rustico. Thanks."

It's at this point that Micah's head started to spin around and blood shot from his eyes.

Aaah. Good times.


Blogger SJ said...

Oh god, that's painful. Yet oddly amusing in a Larry David sort of way.

8:37 AM  
Blogger Pete said...

Oh my God! I NEED to go to "The MG" and screw with these people too, LeKim!

What's ironic is I just did an entry about a diner here last night. We need to start the "fuck with people at restaurants" club.

9:33 AM  
Blogger Hannah Gerber said...

Godamn, thats funny shit but TOO short! Dont end with the first BIG laugh ( which is where I see how your pal writes her order!) this is the worthwhile stuff of which I seek! MORE! Chapter two?

11:13 AM  
Blogger Hannah Gerber said...

See what THEY think of US here:

11:16 AM  
Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

Excellent read! I always believed that Denny's after midnight was an open wormhole to the center of the outer reaches of the universe, judging by the freaks that come in for shitty coffee and runny eggs (which I assume they use to power their spaceships). Please consider linking to my own humble blogsite, as yours has just been added to mine. Wait, does that mean we're engaged now?

10:11 AM  
Blogger The Cybrarian said...

Yeah the MG's all fun n games until about 15 minutes after the rustica... every damn time I eat there I end up spending hours having "quality personal time" on the can. Something about that place just does not agree with my intestinal flora. Chili's also. You must have a very powerful colon.

9:43 AM  
Blogger kimbabalu said...

SJ - What, are you still here? Shouldn't you be on vacation by now?

Pete - Sign me up! I can be the Exec. VP in charge of annoying the overly-perky hostesses.

Yenta - I know how much you love it when I respond to each and every commenter. This one's for you, darling, and your aging sphincter muscles!
p.s. I'll only relate Chapter 2 if you're extra nice to me and my spastic colon.

CTRM - Interesting theory about Denny's - i'll have to investigate it. Oh, and I'll only link to your blog if I can make rude, completely uneducated comments about Canada, eh?

Choco - See my comment to Yenta (She of the Mighy Colon of Fortitude +3). I've since gone to the make-your-own pasta special at The MG.

12:28 PM  

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