Tuesday, September 06, 2005

With thanks and adoration to Cookie!

The topic for today’s post was submitted by loyal ATT reader, Cookie. She writes:

Hey Fucknit!

Post something, dammit! I’m getting tired of re-reading my blog. Write something about female mustaches. We all have them, yet we never talk about them. Oh yeah, and say something about how your 2 year-old son can read and spell.

Yours ever,


With encouragement like that how could I NOT post something about the above-mentioned topics? So here it goes…

To all my mustachioed sisters…

Before you click on the Red Cross Donation Button do yourself a favor and use some of the money you were about to donate and spend it on a razor. Remember: Charity begins at home!

Also, as a former member of the hippy-dippy, tree-hugging, leg-hair-braiding left-wing nut brigade let me tell you that I am not (entirely) unsympathetic to the “but it’s all natural” argument made by some women attempting to explain their rather hirsute complexions. Yeah, I used to make that argument, too. You know what, though? That was really just my excuse to cover up the fact that I was too fucking lazy to shave.

This laziness was, in part, exacerbated by the fact that I used to live with my crazy grandmother who got out a stopwatch and timed how long it took me to take a shower. If I took longer than 5 minutes in the shower I got a stern talking to (read: she tore me a new asshole). You try washing, shampooing your hair, and shaving your legs in less than 5 minutes! I tried it once and almost nicked an artery. Seriously, when I got done with my shower it looked like the Bates Motel. But I digress…

Moral of the story: there is no moral – just a hygiene suggestion brought to you by someone who has not only been there and done that, but also someone who during the course of her work day has to interact with hundreds of people in varying states of hairiness. Big, wiry, pubic-looking hairs sprouting from a woman’s (or man’s) upper lip are distracting to say the least. Even delicate rabbit-fur looking mustaches are a bit distracting not to mention disconcerting. So start plucking, shaving, tweezing, waxing, or bleaching! NOW!

Topic #2: My son can spell T-E-A-L!

To all the other parents of toddlers…

Suck it! My son is brilliant and can read and he’s only 2. I’m sure he’ll turn into an angst-ridden twat at some point in his life but right now he’s a fucking genius! So all the moms on that message board (you know the one – with all the cute little teddy bear graphics populated by the Stepford-Wife wannabes with evil hell-spawn named Brayndford, Madysynne, and Skylhyrr) that hated on me for not getting all warm and fuzzy every time one of their little progeny farted, well, you can all bite my flabby ass.

My son is a GENIUS! Genius, I say!

If you’re really nice to me I may tell you the secret to raising a genius. Here’s a hint: massive amounts of Cookie Crisp cereal and VH-1 countdown shows.


Blogger Hannah Gerber said...

AH.....( deep satisfied sigh)

5:18 AM  

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