Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The News is Funnier Than Anything I Can Think Up

Man charged with indecent exposure

A man was caught jacking off in a department store and this is what the detective had to say,

"I'd hate to have to try to explain that to a 3- or 4-year-old," Shanks said. "His statement was pretty concise, and he never made an attempt to explain himself. He wasn't there to shop. He told me he went to Goody's for that purpose..."

Really, you mean he wasn't there because of your low, low prices???

Teen beats up his grandmother - because she won't buy him beer

Need I say more? Check out the mugshot on this kid. Geez. Someone need to buy him a Jenny Craig membership -- not more beer.

Friday, January 20, 2006

How to know you've been in school too long

Nothing makes you feel older than walking into a graduate class, looking around, and thinking, "MY GOD! I'm the oldest person in the room -- and I'm not even the teacher!"

That's what happened last week when classes resumed for the spring semester. I walked my happy ass into class, took a look at all the angst-ridden, iPod-wearing, pierced, shaggy-haired students, and turned right around. I thought I must have been in the wrong room. Surely these "children" were mere undergrads, right?

Unfortunately, a quick look through the class schedule told me otherwise. That had been the right room. Those were my peers. And I was going to be late to class. Fuck.

Now they'll know me as the crazy old lady who was so disoriented she didn't realize she was in the right classroom. Getting old sucks ass.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I am THAT woman...

The woman wandering through the grocery store bleary-eyed and with a look of utter defeat on her face.

The woman with a screaming toddler leaking snot in a foot-long string from his nose to the shopping cart handle.

The woman who absent-mindedly hands her kid a plastic bowl of mangoes to stop the whining (oh, the WHINING!) -- most of which end up decorating said snot-covered shopping cart handle or littered across the frozen food aisle.

The woman who comforts her son by clasping him to her breast and humming a lullabye in the middle of the frozen food aisle only to find that when the pathetic snuffling ends she's left with a Picasso-like snot and booger painting on her shirt.

The woman who is heard screaming the following litany in the parking lot (all the while trying to strap 40 lbs of angry toddler into a Cheerio-encrusted carseat): "STUFF IT IN THE HAPPY BOX!"

Friday, January 06, 2006

Searching for...

... the best way to begin this post and failing miserably. This happens when I try to write research papers, too. Usually, I sit and stare at the computer while drinking copious amounts of wine and waiting for a brilliant idea to hit me upside the head (or at least something that SEEMS brilliant after all that wine).

Since I'm still at work I don't have the obligatory glass of wine in my hand -- just a Reese's pb cup which I'm finding to be an incredibly poor substitute for alcohol. I mean, really, how witty and urbane can you think yourself if you're forced to wipe chocolate and peanut butter off your keyboard??? Oh well.

This weekend (if I get off my lazy ass) I'm going to finish my Barbie photo essay. Then I'll see if I can get one or more of them into this new gallery one of my old profs is opening. Cross your fingers for me.

Monday, January 02, 2006


... is one of my best friends. She's delightfully eccentric and sardonic. Whatever she does she embraces joyously and completely whether it's vegetarianism or motherhood. I love her. If she was a man I'd marry her - except I'd have to divorce my own husband first and kill her husband second. Which would be inconvenient and messy -- not to mention all of the legal ramifications. Plus, there's that sex thing. I love her, but I am SO not into bush - the Republican or the nether orifice. So, I'll settle for being best friends.

One of the many quirks I love about her is how she likes to take on new identities while remaining essentially the same irreverant and wonderful person I've come to love. When I met her almost 3 years ago her name was Hannah. Long before that she was Lisa. Then she became Yenta for a while. Cookie was more of a fad than a namechange. Ethel is just a term of endearment I have for her while her hair grows out.

Did I mention she owns the best dog in the world? Seriously. Her dog Annie is amazingly tolerant and loving. Pets are the most accurate gauge to a person's soul I've ever found. If you own a happy pet, one who is affectionate to you and protective of you then I know you're a good person -- no matter what your arrest record may contain. I knew Hannah before she got Annie so I had to go on my instincts alone as to what kind of person she was. I loved her then, and I love her even more now that she's proven she's worthy of the best dog in the world. Her husband and daughter are pretty awesome, too. But come on, how fucking lame is that to praise someone's family? This isn't a shitty Hallmark card I'm writing here.

[I, of course, own a surly cat who takes great pleasure in licking her butt on my freshly washed comforter (correctly) indicating that I am a horrible misanthrope who will come over to your house and use your last sheet of toilet paper and not tell you.]

I can't possibly go into all of the reasons why Hannah is my best friend in this woefully inadequate blogpost. She's wonderful and delightful and I love to hear her laugh. And the best thing about her? She'll hate what I've written. She'll call me a fucknit and tell me what I did wrong. Now THAT is a true friend -- someone you can call a buttnugget as a term of endearment.